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Definition Mediation - a nonadversarial divorce procedure where the spouses are assisted in reaching a settlement by a neutral third party who is trained in the divorce process.
Application in Divorce In mediated divorce, the couple get a trained and neutral mediator to help them come to agreement about finances, child care and visitation.

This analogy may seem a stretch, but a mediator is a midwife who helps with what is an admittedly painful happening. He or she coaches a couple who giving birth to a divorce. And mediation is to home delivery as litigation is to hospital birth.

Mediation is not an eleventh-hour attempt to save a failing marriage, and only couples who have jointly decided to end the marriage should use it.

Divorce mediation is face-to-face; both spouses speak to each directly. But it is not the "in your face" of a litigation.

Mediation is voluntary and it requires the agreement of both husband and wife to continue. It does not preclude the use of an attorney by each spouse, although the lawyers for the spouses are not present during the mediation.

Mediators can help for areas of agreement and enlarge them. So it does not work with spouses who seeking revenge or vindication in a divorce. Nor does it work if alcohol or drug abuse are factors in the failing marriage.

Mediation is a civil way for spouse who have reasonable differences about property distribution and custody to resolve them in a way that maintains good relations after the divorce.

Mediators are often attorneys who present relevant legal information, but they do not give legal advice or represent either party. Mediators do not take sides; they expedite consensus and agreement.

Most couples take between six and 20 hours to work through a divorce in mediation.

A mediated divorce is more expensive than a default divorce, but it allows for the participation of both partners, supports innovative thinking, assures greater success in sticking to agreements and reduces the trauma on spouses and children.

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Questions & Answers
What is divorce mediation?
Divorce mediation is a process in which a neutral, impartial third party, facilitates your discussion and agreement of the issues associated with developing an effective parenting plan and the equitable distribution of assets and liabilities. In a calm and comfortable setting, the mediator helps you explore various solutions and find common ground so that an agreement may be reached. To keep the process moving in a positive and productive manner, he will encourage you to voice your needs and perspectives while keeping you focused on the issues. The overall goal of your mediator is to assist you in developing a satisfying, comprehensive agreement that meets the needs of all those involved. especially the children.
Contributed on 10/24/2007 by: Carolina Divorce Mediators, LLC Charlotte, NC [Total Contributions: 7]
Category: Mediation   (Applicable in All States)
Who is Mediation for?
Mediation is an excellent choice for those who have made the decision to divorce, those who simply wish to only separate, and those with issues that occur after the separation or after the divorce is final are all candidates for mediation. Mediation is great for couples who are agreeable, but it can offer tremendous advantages to those who are in disagreement. A little hurt and anger can actually help the process along because in many cases it causes the participants to empower themselves and stand up for what they believe. Many couples who have poor communication skills and are in high conflict are amazed at the success they have had at the negotiating table. Mediation is not for those engaged in any type of physical abuse and you are encouraged to seek immediate protection and legal advice.
Contributed on 10/24/2007 by: Carolina Divorce Mediators, LLC Charlotte, NC [Total Contributions: 7]
Category: Mediation   (Applicable in All States)
How do I introduce the option of mediation to my spouse?
1. Make sure there has been a "cooling off period". 2. Clearly state your willingness to negotiate a fair settlement. Express your wishes of an amicable divorce. 3. Propose that you both at least give it a try. You both deserve it as well as the kids. 4. Emphasize all the advantages.(time. money, stress, confidentiality, etc.) 5. Provide educational material about mediation and how it works. Allow your spouse to read this book.
Contributed on 8/21/2007 by: Divorce Source, Inc. Allentown, PA [Total Contributions: 60]
Category: Mediation   (Applicable in All States)
How does Divorce Mediation work?
You will meet together to work out the major decisions raised by the decision to divorce. Your mediator will help identify the issues you need to resolve, and help guide you through the decision-making process toward agreements that really work for both of you. The mediator will then draft a Memorandum of Understanding for your review, after which it is given to an attorney for the purpose of drawing up a separation agreement. The separation agreement then becomes the basis for an uncontested divorce.
Contributed on 10/24/2007 by: Carolina Divorce Mediators, LLC Charlotte, NC [Total Contributions: 7]
Category: Mediation   (Applicable in All States)
What Happens if We Don’t Agree in Mediation?
Even if you cannot agree on everything, you’ll probably agree on some things. Each issue resolved in mediation translates into less time in court, less legal fees, and less aggravation. And, for the issues you could not agree upon, at least you understand what those issues are, and where you stand. At minimum, you’ll feel like you tried your best to reach an agreement before resorting to court intervention. Sometimes new information, proposed solutions, or the passage of time make it possible to resolve a previous disagreement, so even if you don’t resolve your issue immediately, you may be able to resolve it later, without going to court. Because mediation is flexible, you’re free to schedule additional appointments at any time. You’re also free to stop the mediation if you don’t feel you’re making progress toward resolution.
Contributed on 10/25/2007 by: Peace Talks Mediation Services Playa del Rey, CA [Total Contributions: 1]
Category: Mediation   (Applicable in All States)
What are the advantages of Divorce Mediation?
Mediation is generally less time consuming and less costly than the adversarial process. Agreements reached in mediation tend to last longer than decisions imposed by a court because they are mutual and take into account the needs and wishes of both parties. The process is voluntary, cooperative and confidential. It is especially useful for families with children as the process enhances and encourages a spirit of cooperation as couples will be co-parenting children from separate residences.
Contributed on 10/24/2007 by: Carolina Divorce Mediators, LLC Charlotte, NC [Total Contributions: 7]
Category: Mediation   (Applicable in All States)
Can I mediate if one or both of us is very angry?
Anger is a normal feeling to have during a divorce. Whether you are the angry one or are dealing with an angry (ex) spouse, it’s never easy. Anger often builds up without conscious awareness, and the anger can cause you (or your spouse) to lash out. Anger can be expressed in mediation and is useful for a mediator to help shape a better divorce agreement. In mediation, anger is a clue that there is an important piece of information which has not yet been expressed, and which must be explored and understood. Anger tells a Mediator that someone has important needs which are not being met. When someone is angry a Mediator wants to hear how they are feeling and wants to understand why they are angry. In mediation, anger gives us a key to use to shape a divorce agreement.
Contributed on 10/17/2007 by: ReSolutions Brooklyn, NY [Total Contributions: 1]
Category: Mediation   (Applicable in All States)
What if my spouse is domineering?
^$<y(tediator pays attention to the way couples interact and is trained to recognize any power imbalance between them. If one spouse wants to "give away the farm" just to get out of the relationship, or if another spouse continues to display dominating behavior, we will use specific methods to "re-level" the playing field. This does not imply that the mediator will choose the side of the weaker participant, but simply try to minimize dominant behavior and help everyone involved make informed decisions.
Contributed on 10/24/2007 by: Carolina Divorce Mediators, LLC Charlotte, NC [Total Contributions: 7]
Category: Mediation   (Applicable in All States)
What If I have already been to an attorney?
The hiring of an attorney does not preclude you from mediating. Your mediator is not an attorney, and will not give legal advice to you or your spouse. You should contact an attorney for legal support when necessary, especially when considering the legal ramifications of any decisions that you are considering. Since you are mediating, your attorney should not be acting in an adversarial capacity but in an advisory capacity, offering you counsel when you need it. If you wish, you may have your attorney present during your sessions. Remember that if you go to court, the costs of your attorney preparing your case and presenting it to the court can exceed the cost of mediating by many times. Even if you already have a court date set, you can still mediate in advance and avoid having a judge make an undesirable decision.
Contributed on 10/24/2007 by: Carolina Divorce Mediators, LLC Charlotte, NC [Total Contributions: 7]
Category: Mediation   (Applicable in All States)
Why can’t the Divorce Mediator just decide what’s fair?
As you well know, if you go to court, the judge will certainly decide what he or she thinks is fair. Unfortunately, what is fair to the judge is not necessarily what will work for you. Mediators have no power to make decisions or awards for divorcing couples. Your mediator is there to help you make decisions that you consider fair and equitable.
Contributed on 10/24/2007 by: Carolina Divorce Mediators, LLC Charlotte, NC [Total Contributions: 7]
Category: Mediation   (Applicable in All States)
What are the essential elements of a good mediation agreement?
The agreement should address the following: 1. Your name, your spouse’s name, and the mediator’s name. 2. The disputed issues to be resolved during the mediation process. 3. A clause explaining the mediator’s role or significance during the mediation process. 4. How legal rights, court interpretation, and lawyers will play a role. 5. The use of experts, like accountants, counselors, etc. 6. Confidentiality. 7. Who shall be present at the mediation sessions. 8. Will there be individual sessions with each spouse. 9. How long the sessions will be and how often they will transpire. 10. How will the mediator prepare an agreement memorandum for the lawyer. 11. How will the spouses pay for the mediation service. 12. How to terminate the mediation process and what happens if this occurs.
Contributed on 8/21/2007 by: Divorce Source, Inc. Allentown, PA [Total Contributions: 60]
Category: Mediation   (Applicable in All States)

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Helpful Tips & Facts
  1. What Can Happen Outside Mediation
    In addition to the time spent with a mediator, each party may need to gather information in order to make informed decisions. Some people benefit from meeting with a certified divorce financial analyst, mortgage broker, life coach, and/or an attorney. Although most people do not have a lawyer represent them at mediation or when filing an agreement with the court, it is encouraged to have agreements reviewed by an attorney before signing any documents.
    Contributed on 10/30/2007 by: Mediation Works Incorporated (MWI) Boston, MA [Total Contributions: 1]
    Category: Mediation   (Applicable in All States)
  2. Taking Control of Your Own Divorce
    Sometimes in the heat of battle, lawyers take charge, and the spouses become passengers. Mediated divorce keeps the spouses in charge.
    Contributed on 7/9/2007 by: DivorceDex.com Staff
    Category: Mediation   (Applicable in All States)
  3. Appoint a Special Master (go to person) for disputed issues re: kids
    Instead of running to court when issues come up in the future, build into your divorce agreement a back door to avoid court. Is there a couple who has already successfully raised their children, whose opinion you trust? That would be the perfect Special Master to use when kid disputes arise in the future. This is an honor most people would gladly accept. When issues come up, the parents go to the Special Master, explain their positions and leave it to the Special Master to give their best advice which would be followed by the parents.
    Contributed on 10/11/2007 by: Divorce In A Day Mediation Carlsbad, CA [Total Contributions: 14]
    Category: Child Custody   (Applicable in All States)
  4. Litigation Versus Mediation
    The division of property and custody will be based on: how aggressive your lawyer is compared to the opposing lawyer, the mood the judge is in, the prescribed court schedules, and whether you or your spouse has more stamina for battle. Versus with the help of a neutral mediator, you will problem solve property and custody issues to design an agreement that works for you and your family.
    Contributed on 10/19/2007 by: Centre for Mediation & Dispute Reso Wellesley HIlls, MA [Total Contributions: 8]
    Category: Mediation   (Applicable in All States)
Contribute Tip/Fact
Additional Resources
Divorce Mediation Primer
Mediation is a voluntary settlement process in which an impartial person who is trained in dispute resolution meets with the parties to discuss the issues they wish to resolve. The mediator will facilitate the negotiation of those issues, with the goal of helping the parties reach a settlement.
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