Divorce recovery is the long and sometimes difficult road to the point where life seems and feels normal. Ideally, it is the point where former spouses can, if need be, talk with one another civilly.

People recover from a divorce at different speeds and in different ways. Some people look upon the recovery as a challenge; others fear it as an abyss. Sadly, some people never recover and they become twisted and bitter and fearful of an intimate human relationship with another person.

In her book The Divorce Recovery Sourcebook, Dawn Bradley Berry writes that

[p]eople who have survived wars, disabling injury, disease, terrorist attacks, and all manner of tragedies have been heard to remark that their divorces were the worst thing they had ever been through -- and yet they made it.

Often people recover from a divorce incrementally. One day they can look at an old photograph -- maybe even the wedding photographs -- they way a person might look at a photograph of historical interest.

The ancient Greeks believed that the reward of suffering is experience. And yet experience can make a person its victim. Divorce recovery, in the end, means acceptance and the ability to go forward. The ability to keep a perspective, a sense of humor (even a dark one) help in this, but in the end people recover by putting one foot in front of the other and living.

See also Divorce Support Groups; Attorney and Client; After Divorce (Cleanup) and After Divorce (Emotional Aspects).

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1. Healing From Divorce: Your Big Picture!
   It seems like there area a million life-altering decisions to make during divorce. Some are small and some are huge. Most people go through divorce focusing on those decisions - and they should focus on them! But, they often forget to focus on the bigger picture of what they want out of life once their divorce is final. Take some time to think about how you want your life to be like once your divorce is final. Be as detailed as possible and keep that vision in your mind at all times. If you feel your circumstances or your ex are keeping you from your bigger picture, ask yourself: "How can I get to my bigger picture anyway?" There’s always another way.
   Contributed on 12/28/2007 by: Solo Mama, LLCArcadia, CA[Total Submissions: 10]

   Category: Recovery  (Applicable in All States)
2. Healing From Divorce: What Do You See?
   How do you see yourself now that you are divorced? Are you a half or a whole? Are you a victim? Do you blame yourself? Or, are you empowered? Confident? Capable? Completely whole as you are, even if divorced? How you see yourself is one of the most important steps to restoring after divorce. If you are holding on to negative beliefs about yourself, you’re holding yourself back and creating unnecessary pain in your life. Your beliefs are very powerful. They either propel you forward or keep you tied to your past. Starting today, reflect on the beliefs you hold about being divorced - and question them! Where do they come from? Are they absolutely true? How could you see yourself differently? Simply acknowledging and questioning your beliefs is a very powerful step for anyone starting over after divorce!
   Contributed on 12/28/2007 by: Solo Mama, LLCArcadia, CA[Total Submissions: 10]

   Category: Recovery  (Applicable in All States)
3. Healing From Divorce: Was It Inevitable?
   Was your divorce inevitable? This is the one question that keeps divorced people tethered to their pain and anguish, making it impossible to have a healthy, happy life again. Once your divorce is final, second-guessing your or your ex’s decision only creates guilt and blame - two toxic emotions that fuel continued pain and anger. You can give yourself a wonderful gift by simply accepting the inevitability of your divorce. Then you will have the energy, patience and focus to commit to making the best of your new situation. Starting today, practice accepting your divorce. Give up struggling with why it happened. Give up placing blame. Instead, give yourself - and even your ex - the benefit of the doubt that you both did the best you could at the time.
   Contributed on 12/28/2007 by: Solo Mama, LLCArcadia, CA[Total Submissions: 10]

   Category: Recovery  (Applicable in All States)
4. Healing From Divorce: Appreciate... Yourself!
   Going through a divorce can be especially hard on your self-esteem. It’s easy to spend a lot of time and energy focusing on your ’faults’, instead of focusing on how wonderful you are! Show yourself appreciation. Treat yourself as you would treat your best friend - with patience, kindness, love and appreciation. One way to get in touch with what you appreciate about yourself is to make a nightly appreciation list. Write down everything you appreciate about you! Your patience, the way you always find a solution to any crisis, your sense of hopefulness... are all good examples of what might be on your list. Appreciating yourself is a sure-fire way to lift your spirits and raise your level of self-respect. It’ll help you extend gratitude to others, give you the lift you deserve and keep you moving forward.
   Contributed on 12/28/2007 by: Solo Mama, LLCArcadia, CA[Total Submissions: 10]

   Category: Recovery  (Applicable in All States)
5. Healing From Divorce: Observe, Don’t Compare!
   Most people getting over their divorce spend a great deal of time and energy comparing their newly-divorced life to their old-married life. It’s understandable. Divorced life is very different than married life. But in order to move on, you must give up comparing your life now to what you once had. Every time you compare - whether it’s your past to your present, or yourself to someone else - you make it much harder to get over your divorce and on with a life you really love. Get in the habit of observing rather than comparing. When you simply observe a situation you gain valuable insight, cultivate an empowered and positive attitude and increase the likelihood of having a great life after divorce!
   Contributed on 12/28/2007 by: Solo Mama, LLCArcadia, CA[Total Submissions: 10]

   Category: Recovery  (Applicable in All States)
6. Healing From Divorce: Right or Happy?
   One of the most powerful questions you can ask is: ’Do I want to be right, or do I want to be happy?’ Rebuilding a meaningful life after divorce requires that you balance the need to be right with your quest to be happy. Too often people going through a divorce get so caught-up in being right that they sabotage their own happiness. Don’t let that happen to you! Starting today, practice letting go of your need to be right. If you have difficulty doing that, inquire: ’If I am right about this, will it really change my life for the better? Does being right really add to my long-term happiness?’ Giving up the need to be right is not naive. It is a wise and courageous action, one that will bring you closer to happiness and peace of mind.
   Contributed on 12/28/2007 by: Solo Mama, LLCArcadia, CA[Total Submissions: 10]

   Category: Recovery  (Applicable in All States)
7. Healing From Divorce: Stay Inspired!
   One of the best ways to make the transition from suffering after divorce to really loving your life is to stay inspired. Inspiration may not be the first thing that comes to mind when you think of recovering from divorce, but inspiration is a powerful springboard for creating a new life. When you are inspired you make changes effortlessly, you live with more enthusiasm and joy, and you develop a deeply meaningful life. Inspiration is the antidote for living a depressing life after divorce, and the key for creating a life you love. Start spending some time noticing the things that inspire you and follow your inspiration as often as you can. It will help you feel alive again and will lead you to a meaningful, joyful new life.
   Contributed on 12/28/2007 by: Solo Mama, LLCArcadia, CA[Total Submissions: 10]

   Category: Recovery  (Applicable in All States)
8. Healing From Divorce: Change From Within
   Very often I hear clients talk about the external changes they want to make - a new home, new job, new look. And there’s nothing wrong with that. But what really pulls them forward are the internal changes they make. Internal changes are those changes that happen within yourself. Your attitudes, your expectations, your beliefs are all very powerful places for internal change. When you want something to change in your life, ask yourself, "How do I need to be in order to have the life I want to have?" Do you need to be more peaceful? More engaged with living? More responsible with your finances? More self-disciplined? As you deal with all the changes that your divorce has created, balance the external with the internal and watch your life transform in amazing ways!
   Contributed on 12/28/2007 by: Solo Mama, LLCArcadia, CA[Total Submissions: 10]

   Category: Recovery  (Applicable in All States)
9. Productive journaling includes making a step-by-step plan
   Making a plan and setting a timeline for yourself will motivate you into action.  Set a timeline for yourself and learn not go procrastinate when faced with something that is uncomfortable for you.  If you take an assertive role will not feel controlled by another who is more assertive than you or blame another for the problems or your feelings. If someone pushes you into dealing with an issue if you do not take some proactive steps you will feel pressured and angry.  Yet, there is nothing more frustrating than waiting for someone to act on an important issue and nothing is happening.  Put yourself in the other person’s shoes!
   Contributed on 6/17/2008 by: Mediation Works North, Inc.Hibbing, MN[Total Submissions: 5]

   Category: Recovery  (Applicable in All States)
10. Healing Yourself and Moving On
    The way out of the misery surrounding Divorce is to move into acceptance. Acceptance is the full acknowledgment that our present reality, being separated or divorced, is what is versus what we think it should be, or could be, or want it to be. Acceptance involves seeing the facts of our divorce rather than how we interpret events. For instance, "My husband left" me is a fact but "I am unloveable and no one will ever love me again" is an interpretation. Don’t base your life on the meanings you attach to life’s events because nine times out of ten, those meanings are simply your negative mind chatter talking aloud and are not true! Accepting our current reality leads us to the next step of divorce recovery, which is responsibility.
    Contributed on 6/27/2008 by: Coaching for Change/Divorce RecoveryUpper Montclair, NJ[Total Submissions: 4]

    Category: Recovery  (Applicable in All States)
11. You Get to Choose
    You actually get to choose your life after divorce. What separates us from the animals on earth is our ability to exercise free will and hence choice. Everyday you make hundreds of little decisions that affect your life directly. Simple things like whether you choose to cook something for dinner that will nourish you versus eating a bag of chips to the bigger issues like whether you react to your ex as a victim or as a person who knows when to say no. Every single thing you do during the course of the day is a choice. Even if your ex left you, you have a choice. You can choose to remain a victim and be powerless or you can choose to become fully responsible for your own destiny and stop blaming and resenting your ex.
    Contributed on 7/22/2008 by: Coaching for Change/Divorce RecoveryUpper Montclair, NJ[Total Submissions: 4]

    Category: Recovery  (Applicable in All States)

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