Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, in her landmark On Death and Dying, observes that the terminally ill move through five fairly predictable stages as they move toward death. They are 1) denial and isolation, 2) anger, 3) bargaining, 4) depression and 5) acceptance. A divorcing couple moves through similar stages before the husband and wife finally reach a settlement and divorce, and they begin their lives anew as separate and single people.

In general, divorce lawyers see themselves as professional advocates -- craftsmen using the law to help expedite the most favorable result for their clients. Few welcome the role of psychologist, but a family law lawyer who can assess the state of mind and heart of a divorce client can save him or her money and thus leave the client with more for a fresh start.

A lawyer who understands the grieving process knows that settlement happens "when the denial is past, the anger is tempered by time and patience, and the guilt and frustration is assuaged."

In many if not most cases spouses moving through a divorce move through emotional stages not unlike death and dying. Understanding this, however difficult it may be to accept it, can make divorce, if not easier, then at least a little less frightening and a lot less expensive. Very often, much of the cost of a divorce goes to fighting battles that happen because one spouse or the other has not accepted the divorce.

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