Category: Recovery
Questions/Answers
Where do You Start in order to let go After your Divorce?
Acceptance. The hardest step in getting your life back but the most important. We want what we want...what we think should or could be. But that isnít what is so. What is so is we are getting divorced. That is our reality. If we cannot accept reality then we are living in a fantasy world. Truly. Without the acceptance of what is, we are totally powerless to do anything to help ourselves. We stay stuck in all the muck of the divorce. It doesnít matter who is right or wrong. It doesnít matter whether we think life is fair or not. That too is part of acceptance. Accepting the fact that life is not always fair or a bowl of cherries.
Create Boundaries
When you are undergoing separation and are deeply involved in the divorce process, it is important for you to create very clear boundaries for your ex. All too often, your ex assumes or misunderstands that he has access to you and your home much like before. Not! Each discussion you have can lead to emotional upset. Keep your communication to a minimum and let the attorneys handle as much as possible. Maintain a relationship that seems even businesslike. Create boundaries around your physical self and surroundings as well. Change the locks on the house. Limit his/her access to the house. Create your own space that does not include your ex at all. Your ability to cut the chord between you two depends on your willingness to set these boundaries.
Helpful Tips and Facts
Taking Control of Your Life after Divorce
Itís so easy to get caught up in the victim mentality of ďWhy did this happen to me?Ē Trust meÖIíve been there and I get it. But ultimately, you need to take responsibility for your own life and charting a new course. Donít let what happened to you ~ that he left, that he doesnít love you anymore, that you are divorced ~ control your life. You need to reclaim your power and rediscover who you are at your core, the parts of YOU that got lost along the way. Think back to yourself as a child, teenager, young woman. What are the biggest parts of yourself that got lost in your marriage? What do you miss most about who you were? Think of 3-4 of these qualities, hobbies, interests, etc. that are most important to you right now and brainstorm about how you can start to reclaim them in your new life.
Body Dysmorphic Disorder
Post-traumatic stress disorder can manifest itself in a variety of ways. For instance, people can become sensitive about their image. They can become concerned about a body feature or the aging process. People with a condition called Body Dysmorphic Disorder are especially prone to this phenomenon. Physicians and patients should be aware of these problems and avoid unnecessary surgery/treatment. However, in some people, performing facial rejuvenation may be very beneficial in terms of improving oneís self esteem and emotional state.
Effective Divorce Support: Flip The Negative Thoughts For Good
"I will never meet anyone else." "I will never meet anyone else." Sound familiar? The record of constant negative thoughts is playing in your mind on repeat. Itís like a series of bad jingles which you canít seem to interrupt. If you recognize this syndrome within yourself, fear not Ė there is a solution. Below is a powerful and simple method that has been scientifically researched to end your negative thinking. Next time you have a recurring, negative thought such as, ĎI will never meet anyone elseí, I want you to write it down. Then you are going to flip the statement. You are going to write down a more realistic, positive thought. When you continue to do this in writing you will, in essence, rewire your mind for positivity. In fact, your optimism will take on a momentum that manifests more optimism and positivity in your life.
Divorce Club
As technology increases, the Internet now provides several useful outlets to help resolve the issues brought on by divorce. There are now Divorce clubs, which can be joined and used from home. No need to attend a meeting at the church and leave the kids alone. A simple search on Google will show many different divorce clubs to choose from. These peer based divorce clubs provide a much needed outlet to help with depression, by simply having access to a person that has been in a similar situation. The great thing is that they are open 24/7 so anytime that you need access to them you simply log on to your account.
You Get to Choose
You actually get to choose your life after divorce. What separates us from the animals on earth is our ability to exercise free will and hence choice. Everyday you make hundreds of little decisions that affect your life directly. Simple things like whether you choose to cook something for dinner that will nourish you versus eating a bag of chips to the bigger issues like whether you react to your ex as a victim or as a person who knows when to say no. Every single thing you do during the course of the day is a choice. Even if your ex left you, you have a choice. You can choose to remain a victim and be powerless or you can choose to become fully responsible for your own destiny and stop blaming and resenting your ex.
Healing Yourself and Moving On
The way out of the misery surrounding Divorce is to move into acceptance. Acceptance is the full acknowledgment that our present reality, being separated or divorced, is what is versus what we think it should be, or could be, or want it to be. Acceptance involves seeing the facts of our divorce rather than how we interpret events. For instance, "My husband left" me is a fact but "I am unloveable and no one will ever love me again" is an interpretation. Don’t base your life on the meanings you attach to life’s events because nine times out of ten, those meanings are simply your negative mind chatter talking aloud and are not true! Accepting our current reality leads us to the next step of divorce recovery, which is responsibility.
Productive journaling includes making a step-by-step plan
Making a plan and setting a timeline for yourself will motivate you into action.† Set a timeline for yourself and learn not go procrastinate when faced with something that is uncomfortable for you.† If you take an assertive role will not feel controlled by another who is more assertive than you or blame another for the problems or your feelings. If someone pushes you into dealing with an issue if you do not take some proactive steps you will feel pressured and angry.† Yet, there is nothing more frustrating than waiting for someone to act on an important issue and nothing is happening.† Put yourself in the other personís shoes!
Healing From Divorce: Change From Within
Very often I hear clients talk about the external changes they want to make - a new home, new job, new look. And thereís nothing wrong with that. But what really pulls them forward are the internal changes they make. Internal changes are those changes that happen within yourself. Your attitudes, your expectations, your beliefs are all very powerful places for internal change. When you want something to change in your life, ask yourself, "How do I need to be in order to have the life I want to have?" Do you need to be more peaceful? More engaged with living? More responsible with your finances? More self-disciplined? As you deal with all the changes that your divorce has created, balance the external with the internal and watch your life transform in amazing ways!
Healing From Divorce: Stay Inspired!
One of the best ways to make the transition from suffering after divorce to really loving your life is to stay inspired. Inspiration may not be the first thing that comes to mind when you think of recovering from divorce, but inspiration is a powerful springboard for creating a new life. When you are inspired you make changes effortlessly, you live with more enthusiasm and joy, and you develop a deeply meaningful life. Inspiration is the antidote for living a depressing life after divorce, and the key for creating a life you love. Start spending some time noticing the things that inspire you and follow your inspiration as often as you can. It will help you feel alive again and will lead you to a meaningful, joyful new life.
Healing From Divorce: Right or Happy?
One of the most powerful questions you can ask is: íDo I want to be right, or do I want to be happy?í Rebuilding a meaningful life after divorce requires that you balance the need to be right with your quest to be happy. Too often people going through a divorce get so caught-up in being right that they sabotage their own happiness. Donít let that happen to you! Starting today, practice letting go of your need to be right. If you have difficulty doing that, inquire: íIf I am right about this, will it really change my life for the better? Does being right really add to my long-term happiness?í Giving up the need to be right is not naive. It is a wise and courageous action, one that will bring you closer to happiness and peace of mind.
Healing From Divorce: Observe, Donít Compare!
Most people getting over their divorce spend a great deal of time and energy comparing their newly-divorced life to their old-married life. Itís understandable. Divorced life is very different than married life. But in order to move on, you must give up comparing your life now to what you once had. Every time you compare - whether itís your past to your present, or yourself to someone else - you make it much harder to get over your divorce and on with a life you really love. Get in the habit of observing rather than comparing. When you simply observe a situation you gain valuable insight, cultivate an empowered and positive attitude and increase the likelihood of having a great life after divorce!
Healing From Divorce: Appreciate... Yourself!
Going through a divorce can be especially hard on your self-esteem. Itís easy to spend a lot of time and energy focusing on your ífaultsí, instead of focusing on how wonderful you are! Show yourself appreciation. Treat yourself as you would treat your best friend - with patience, kindness, love and appreciation. One way to get in touch with what you appreciate about yourself is to make a nightly appreciation list. Write down everything you appreciate about you! Your patience, the way you always find a solution to any crisis, your sense of hopefulness... are all good examples of what might be on your list. Appreciating yourself is a sure-fire way to lift your spirits and raise your level of self-respect. Itíll help you extend gratitude to others, give you the lift you deserve and keep you moving forward.
Healing From Divorce: Was It Inevitable?
Was your divorce inevitable? This is the one question that keeps divorced people tethered to their pain and anguish, making it impossible to have a healthy, happy life again. Once your divorce is final, second-guessing your or your exís decision only creates guilt and blame - two toxic emotions that fuel continued pain and anger. You can give yourself a wonderful gift by simply accepting the inevitability of your divorce. Then you will have the energy, patience and focus to commit to making the best of your new situation. Starting today, practice accepting your divorce. Give up struggling with why it happened. Give up placing blame. Instead, give yourself - and even your ex - the benefit of the doubt that you both did the best you could at the time.
Healing From Divorce: What Do You See?
How do you see yourself now that you are divorced? Are you a half or a whole? Are you a victim? Do you blame yourself? Or, are you empowered? Confident? Capable? Completely whole as you are, even if divorced? How you see yourself is one of the most important steps to restoring after divorce. If you are holding on to negative beliefs about yourself, youíre holding yourself back and creating unnecessary pain in your life. Your beliefs are very powerful. They either propel you forward or keep you tied to your past. Starting today, reflect on the beliefs you hold about being divorced - and question them! Where do they come from? Are they absolutely true? How could you see yourself differently? Simply acknowledging and questioning your beliefs is a very powerful step for anyone starting over after divorce!
Healing From Divorce: Your Big Picture!
It seems like there area a million life-altering decisions to make during divorce. Some are small and some are huge. Most people go through divorce focusing on those decisions - and they should focus on them! But, they often forget to focus on the bigger picture of what they want out of life once their divorce is final. Take some time to think about how you want your life to be like once your divorce is final. Be as detailed as possible and keep that vision in your mind at all times. If you feel your circumstances or your ex are keeping you from your bigger picture, ask yourself: "How can I get to my bigger picture anyway?" Thereís always another way.